A recent reminder arrived courtesy of the daily horoscope column in my local newspaper.

Though you love to take care of others, do not do this to such an extent that they forget how to take care of themselves.  They’ll only resent you for it later.

Hmmmm.  Lovely words of wisdom.

And the potential benefits are endless – for both the caregiv-er AND the caregiv-ee.

What are YOUR experiences?

wow, isn’t it interesting that this year, both my house (which turned 100 years old this year) AND my car (which just logged 100,000 miles) are “demanding” somewhat expensive–and ALWAYS unexpected presents from me!

So, my schedule the next day now included an unexpected “car-less” time period along with an “away-from-home” meeting, a 90 minute conference call as well as “walking / get coffee / be productive somehow / just be” time.

My first thought was that I had two choices about how to approach the day.  Either I could whine and moan about being stuck without my usual transportation and flexibility, OR I could bring a sense of interested curiosity, while inviting the day to unfold in a new way.

Grateful that I chose the 2nd option, along the way I…..

• Discovered the still fairly new Wanderer’s Teahouse in downtown East Lansing that I had read about some time back but hadn’t specifically figured out its location.  I met the owners, Elizabeth and Michael while enjoying a GREAT cup of coffee [I know, it's a teahouse--but I was in need of some serious caffeine that morning!].  I also learned about a cool-sounding “Drumming and Tea” workshop series they’re hosting later this month that I plan to attend.
• Thoroughly enjoyed walking throughout the summer-quiet Michigan State University Campus on a luscious July morning.
• Remembered two special trips (Oakland, CA and Portland, OR) where I could easily walk to nearby grocery stores and restaurants AND a spa!!
• Pondered adding “walkable/livable community” to the list of criteria I’m beginning to create if/when I ever decide to move away from Lansing.
• Considered the possibility/feasibility /desirability of actually scheduling (and reporting about) periodic “serendipity” days.
• Brainstormed possible names for such days (e.g., “opposite” days, lemon-aide days, stretch-ful days, day at the edge, etc.)

All in all, my experiment of a day at the edge of serendipity turned out to be a refreshingly, stretch-full, lemon-aide type of day.

And now, I’m a bit curious….about YOU….

• How do YOU handle potentially frustrating routine-changing events?
• Do you ever schedule your own “serendipity” days?
• If so, what discoveries have you made along the way?

You can leave a comment (below) or send me a private email.

I look forward to hearing from you!

We human beings like plans, on the whole. We tend to wake up and know what our day is going to be like. We act as if what we think is going to happen, will happen. But what do you do when suddenly out of the blue, something interrupts your plans? What do you do if your plans appear to unravel before your very eyes? When the structures you have set up to conduct your life within begin to crumble and fall apart?

This is what has been happening for me over the last year, since my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer. In the moment of receiving that news, all “plans” went out the window, because suddenly we were living with a huge amount of uncertainty. Forced to live in the moment, if you like. And now, after treatment, we are still in a place of uncertainty, and other very simple structures are being dismantled, like mealtimes. Because he is having to explore new ways of eating since his stomach operation, the mealtime rhythm in our house has been disrupted. Then, last week I was away twice on different courses, which is another disruption of our normal daily routine. Plus, the plans that I have had for RichThinkers have not quite been working out as I thought they would – or as I had planned.

Which leads to the question in the title of this article. Who’s really in charge of your business? Or – who’s really in charge of your life? I know it looks like we as human beings are, with our intentions, goals, plans, investments, structures and daily rhythms that support us – but when these all begin to fall apart, what is there left? And how do you carry on?

Pondering this question today, it led me to the idea of actively letting go of all the structures (or actually, admitting that they are letting go of me!) and allowing myself to be in freefall for however long. It’s like when a trapeze artist jumps from one trapeze to another – there is a moment of suspension in the air which occurs because of the faith present just before the letting go, and the trust that the other trapeze bar will be there just at the right moment. But the moment of suspension is the place I’m talking about right now. And that’ s the place where the question ‘what if I just showed up each morning and asked what to do?’ comes from – that space of emptiness, of trusting and faith that the answer will be shown.

In the spirit of this question, I’m not providing an answer in this article. There isn’t one that comes from me, for you. Your answer has to come from within you, and from you being willing to ask that question from a place of uncertainty.

If you are currently finding that the structures of your life are coll­apsing around you; or if you are someone who thrives on (the illusion of) being in control; or if you are facing big, apparent disasters, then perhaps this is a moment to consider stopping trying to find a structure outside yourself on which to rely, and turn inside, asking the question, ‘What shall I do today, in my business?’ Or even ‘What would You have me do today?’

Given that you are asking this of your own inner wisdom, or Higher Power, the answer is likely to come in a sign, a signal, a whisper, an intuitive feeling, or even just a strong urge to take action in some way. So I invite you today or tomorrow, to sit still and ask your inner wisdom how you should show up in your business; what actions to take when; how to be in a particular meeting or conversation. Explore, see what happens and let me know!

Hint: it’s easier to hear an answer when your mind is stilled, so this is something be asked when you are in your normal meditation time, or taking the time to calm and collect yourself before starting on a project or task of some kind.

There were so many reasons why Jane’s article struck a chord inside me  – resonating with so many of my own experiences.  And especially with my knowing that the answers to life’s thorniest questions truly do lie WITHIN – and all we need to do is be ready to “Pause, Turn and Listen” to what it has to say to us.

What about you?  What resonated for you in Jane’s words?  I’d love your feedback.

And, if you’re sensing that perhaps a bit of help to “tune in” to your inner wisdom is in order, please check out my free e-course, “Finding Center.”

Dear Mary Elaine: 

HeartMath founder Doc Childre has written a new booklet, The State of Ease – it’s available for free – to help recreate flow in our daily lives and maintain coherent alignment between our heart, mind and emotions. We invite and encourage you to read The State of Ease.

Click here to view or get a free download.

We want to make this helpful booklet, which includes the new Inner-Ease™ technique, available to as many people as possible, so we are asking you to please help distribute The State of Ease to others at this time of change. Feel free to post The State of Ease link or PDF file on your Web site. E-mail it to friends and family, send it to other Web sites and blogs or refer people to http://heartmath.org/state-of-ease.

With care,

Sara Childre,
President, Institute of HeartMath

Forward to a friend

Anticipating that I would be needing some specialized “re-entry” time following my return from what had already promised to be [and truly was!] a magical 10-day Tour of Ireland, I had already made sure that my first week’s schedule was fairly “light” with work-related responsibilities.  Plus, I took the opportunity to schedule a special Polarity massage session with a colleague, Martha Mae Blosser.

What wasn’t initially “planned”, but serendipitously evolved was the opportunity to have TWO Focusing Partnership sessions earlier in the day.  Especially given the images of  transformation and shifting that carried forward through those two sessions as I sat with the whole experience of my trip [I'll write about those in a separate entry], I discovered how much more powerful the session with Martha Mae would ultimately be.

And, as I look back on yesterday’s experience, I affirm a couple of “reminders to my-self”:

• It really IS helpful to include some sort of “buffer/re-entry zone”  in my schedule when I’m returning from extended time off.  [Of course, this assumes I've remembered to schedule the "time off" to begin with!]
• It’s also really nice to pause and  ”set the stage” for myself and my process when I’m preparing for any kind of body-work/energy healing session.  It allows the process to be deeper and more satisfying than if I just run in from rushing around.  [This, of course, doesn't always mean lots of time.  Sometimes, it can be as simple as pausing for a moment to set an intention and/or simply notice what's there in the moment.]

I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with “re-entry” practices after vacation.

In Parts One through Three of this series, you have begun to recognize and explore your own inner experience of the holidays, as a prelude to sorting through those aspects of the season that bring added/unwanted stress to your life.  Part One  enabled you to identify an overall sense of the holidays, while Part Two invited you to look a little more deeply at individual components that result in either/both a positive or negative response within you.  Part Three introduced the restorative power of Quick Coherence, that can help you celebrate those holiday-related activities and events that bring you some joy and also provide some resilience to protect you from added stress.  

Clearing the Holiday “Clutter-Buts”

In the final installment in this “Healing Your Holiday Spirit” series, I draw on an “emotional clutter-busting” approach to dealing with holiday stress to offer a way to gently explore those “But’s…..” you identified in Part Two.  These often stem from “should’s” and “ought’s” that have gradually crept into your holiday traditions, yet do not necessarily add to your enjoyment of the season.  It is as though these “clutter-but’s” have become tangled strings of Christmas tree lights that take a bit of sorting out prior to becoming part of the celebratory mood.

 This approach offers four basic clutter-control questions that can serve as helpful guides for choosing which holiday “Buts…..” we decide to keep intact, alter or perhaps, discard:

1.  How meaningful is it for me? - How much of an impact does this tradition have on my life? Is it important to me? Can I let it go?
2. Do I love it? – Is this something that brings me joy? Or is it something I simply tolerate? Or does it create added stress in my life?
3. Do I want this? – Is this something I need or want as part of my life? How important is it to keep this “intact” or is there a way I can reduce the “clutter” effect?
4. Does this need me? – If it is not important to me personally, is it important to someone I care about? Is there something else that I need to consider (or do) about or with this?

 And, (in keeping with this series’ theme of “Gifts Within a Gift”), I have created another Guided (11 minute Audio) Exercise that invites you explore these questions within your whole body-mind, accompanied by a welcoming spirit of interested curiosity.  You can access it here.

 As we bring this series of messages to a close, I hope that you have been able to find a bit of gentle spaciousness that enables you to embrace the richness of those holiday traditions that provide the most meaning to your life and your relationships, even as you free yourself from the constraints of those that have kept you from being able to enjoy the holiday season. 

Stay tuned for 2010, as I am planning additional opportunities to help you continue to access the wisdom of your body-mind.  In the meantime, I welcome your comments, questions and suggestions.  And may you have a blessed Holiday Season!

Image credits:  tangled lights by shoothead  (Flickr (cc) Some Rights Reserved)

In Part One of this series, you began to explore the role that “choice” plays in determining an outcome of “Yippee!” or “Yuck!” to your general experience of the Holidays.  In Part Two, you took a “Yea-But” approach to explore more deeply your overall sense of the Holidays.  In Part Four, you will have an opportunity to concentrate more on the But… side of the scale.

First,  let us take a moment to quietly appreciate those parts of the holiday season that give you pleasure, and for which you are grateful.  These are all the things that showed up on you Yea! side of the scale.  These are the parts of the holiday season that are important to you, and which you most likely want to keep as part of your holiday season activities.

This time, my “Gift Within a Gift – A Stresswell™ Holiday Truffle” consists of a lovely exercise from HeartMath called Quick Coherence.  You can find the written instructions here.  I have also included a Guided (6 minute audio) version of this exercise, especially tailored for the holidays.

This wonderful exercise offers a delicious tool for helping you to remember what holds positive meaning in your life.  However, its real power comes from the creation of more coherent heart rhythms, which leads to a more harmonic balance between thoughts and emotions.  In other words, you simply begin to feel better–with more energy, mental clarity and resilience.  That way, you are more equipped to deal with the inevitable hassles that daily life (let alone the holidays!) drops at your doorstep.

Stay tuned for Part Four, the final installment in this “Healing Your Holiday Spirit” series – where I’ll offer you another Guided Exercise – which draws on a great “clearing the emotional clutter” approach to dealing with holiday stress.

In the meantime – your questions and comments are always welcomed!

Having seen the photographs, I began to imagine the layers of luscious tastes tempting my tastebuds.  In addition, thoughts of multi-layered gifts within gifts have drifted through my consciousness in the past several days.  Ah…..layers of deliciously sweet on the outside surrounding satisfyingly savory morsels hidden in the middle.

And so, I got the idea to come bearing gifts within a gift–all created to help heal your holiday spirit, especially if you’re finding yourself sick of holiday stress. A sort of stresswell™ holiday truffle–disguised as a 4-part series of blog posts–each with tasty audio surprises hidden deep inside.

Holiday stress.

For most of us, stress is an everyday part of our lives. When the holidays come, they often arrive with added activities and responsibilities, which then pile on more feelings of stress. It’s often these little stresses that begin piling up that cause us to get sick and lessen the overall quality of our lives.

Instead of giving you a list of generic “do’s and don’ts”—that may or may not be useful in your own life, I hope this discussion will offer you a little different way of thinking about stress and how to be with yourself amidst the stress. I’ll also provide some tools to help you discover (or create) your own tips—that will be meaningful and useful for you to incorporate into your own life.

Yippee/Yuck©.

First, let’s take a look at something I call the “Yippee-Yuck© Scale”.   That is, on a scale of +5 (which means “Yippee!”) to -5 (which means “Yuck!”), with 0 being neutral.  There is no right or wrong answer.  Just how you feel at this moment about whatever is happening. 

For example, as you read the word “snow”, notice for a moment what happens inside. Go with your first reaction and how you feel right now about “snow.”   If you were to mark a spot somewhere between Yippee! and Yuck!, which would you choose?

Next, take a moment to imagine that you are with a group of people, each assigning their own number ranking for their current experience of the word “snow.”  Isn’t it interesting that a single word could evoke so many different reactions?

If we were to explain this using a mathematical formula, it would look something like this:

Snow + Your Reaction =Yippee/Yuck© Rating.

A more general way of looking at this equation would be as follows:

Event + Your Response = Outcome.

In other words, every outcome we experience is a direct result of how we respond to an individual event that occurs.

Does this mean that we have to like everything that happens to us? No, of course not. Nor does it mean that we are to blame if something bad happens to us.  It simply means that no matter what happens to us (whether good, bad or indifferent), it is our response to that event that will determine the outcome we experience.

I Have a Choice.

In turn, this means that we have a choice on how to respond to whatever happens in our lives.  [Wayne Moore has written a lovely song entitled "I Have a Choice", which you can preview here.]

Now, let’s repeat the Yippee/Yuck© exercise–this time with the word “holidays.”  Notice what happens inside and  prompts you to select a particular Yippee! or Yuck! score.  Notice too, whether you’re satisfied with the number you chose, or whether you would really prefer it to have rank a bit higher on the Yippee! side of the scale.

In my next blog post, we’ll take a look at something I call the Yea-But© Scale–and how it can help you sort through something that has multiple layers – like holidays. 

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you.  Perhaps you would share your own sense of the holidays, and/or what you noticed as you did this exercise.

Image credits:  06_layers by wiccked  (Flickr (cc) Some Rights Reserved)

One, two, three, one, two, three…. My fellow workshop participants counted off in preparation for our first small group exercise. As the counting reached me, Michael, our workshop leader interrupted: “No, you’re not included.”

I felt as though a rug had been pulled out from beneath my feet. I struggled to control my emotions, my face betraying a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and disappointment, mingled with a vague sense of betrayal.

During planning for the workshop (ironically, the theme was “loss”), my fellow co-organizers had repeated assured me that I could be a full participant throughout the workshop itself. While small group exercises were normally done in triads, their experience had been that an occasional group of four was formed if the overall group size was not divisible by three. However, on that particular morning, Michael appeared unwilling to make an accommodation.

As the triads began their work together, I attempted to regain my equilibrium. I began a stresswell™ spin of the wheel while I tapped into my usual repertoire of stress management skills. I stopped to breathe and shift into coherence. I acknowledged my feelings and released them. I examined my beliefs and judgments about the incident.

Although one of the groups had invited me in as an observer, I found myself continually distracted by feelings of loss and abandonment. I felt fidgety and unable to sit still in a spirit of presence within the small group. Eventually, I was pulled away from the exercise by an administrative task, and decided it would be too disruptive for me to return.

I left the room for a few moments to wash my face and provide some distance from the workshop itself. As the exercise ended, lunch arrived and I realized how hungry I felt.

Conversation during lunch was also awkward. My fellow organizers shared my puzzlement and empathized with my sadness. Yet, I was also aware of wanting to maintain a positive atmosphere for the rest of the participants-even though I still was unsure of my own status for the remainder of the workshop.

A gnawing sadness continued throughout lunch. Tears lingered just beneath the surface and threatened to erupt without notice. I was puzzled by how important it seemed to be for me to actually participate in the workshop.

Finally, lunch was finished, and the group came back together. I learned that Michael had decided to let me participate in the rest of the workshop exercises. That afternoon, we would be take turns telling a story about a loss in our own lives.

I paused for a moment to invite a felt sense of which story might want to be told that afternoon. Ah, along came my sophomore homeroom and English teacher, a nun whose name I could no longer remember. What I did recall, however, was that “Sr. Mary NoName” and I had become fast friends that fall. She was perhaps no more than ten years my senior. I had found myself enjoying our conversations immensely and looked forward to the times we spent together.

Then, one day, she had stopped me as I was leaving homeroom and told me that we could no longer spend time together outside of class. She had offered no explanation as I sensed a door in my heart slam shut. From that day forward, I was invisible to her and I felt shunned.

That afternoon, however, as I told the story to my “listener” within our group of four, I began to see threads linking that long ago experience with the intense feelings that had haunted me just a few hours before. I began to recognize that those threads were linked as well to other losses throughout my life that had included themes of exclusion and abandonment and which had never quite lost their emotional sting.

As part of the workshop exercise, we also had the opportunity to address our listener with whatever words we would wish to say directly to the person we had been telling the story about, as well as offer a blessing to that person. I found myself speaking both to myself as the devastated 15 year old girl and to my beloved teacher, acknowledging the pain she must have felt as well (because I felt sure that the forced separation had not been her choice).

As I spoke, I felt as though I were laying down a heavy burden, that I had carried for so long. And throughout the rest of the workshop, I could feel the healing continue.

Of course, old habits sometimes are reluctant to slip away quite so easily. As a result, in the days following the workshop, I’ve noticed occasional twinges of old, familiar, well-rehearsed feelings of abandonment. Yet, as quickly as the twinges appear, they now disappear with the recognition that the initial hurt has been healed and that I no longer need the protective shield.

Lessons learned? First, that any experience can affect us deeply within all dimensions of our being. Second, that a lingering response to a stressful incident might have deep taproots to an earlier experience that yearns for a transformational healing process. Third, that a “spin of the wheel” may become a three-dimensional spiral of growth and healing that transcends time and space.
Image Credits (unless otherwise noted, all on Flickr (cc) Some Rights Reserved) :
1. Not Like the Others… by greenapplegrenade
2. Wellness Wheel ©2002 by John W Travis and HealthWorld Online (used with permission)
3. parla con me by la bella polenesiana